Wont be Mine
by Kris the Intrepid Geek Queen
Summary: Song fic vignette style look at world class hotties Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Severus Snape durring the 3rd and 4th books. Rather depressing...raiting is for some dirty language (Pottymouth Padfoot) and adult themes (Suicide, but no one dies)
1. Remus Lupin

A You Won

A You Won't Be Mine

Won't Be Mine

A HP Song fic By Kristen Bays

Lyrics from "Won't Be Mine" by Matchbox Twenty

Disclamer:I don't own Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Voldemort, Dumbledor, anything magical, or the song Wont be mine…they belong to JK Rowling and Matchbox Twenty, respectively.The only things I own are some clothes, some CDs, a computer, copies of the HP books, and an over active imagination.I honestly don't know where this fic came from or why the hell its so depressing…well actually I do know, I was driving home from school and the song "Wont be mine" started playing on my mixCD and this was the first thing that popped into my little brain.If you have never heard this song you should!Its by Matchbox Twenty off of their "Mad Season" album.It's the last song on the cd and if you listen to the end of the track after about 2.5 minutes of silence you'll get to hear a shweeeeeeet symphonic version of the songs main melody.

Oh.And I have to rate this "R" cause Sirius is a potty mouth and likes to say the f word a lot.Plus it deals with some mature themes like suicide (No one dies though!)

Parts 1 and 2 take place some time before Prisoner of Azkaban, Part 3 takes place sometime before book 4 but its not specific.If you havent read book 4 yet, part 3 might not make since cause you don't know that Snape was a deatheater…oops.

Anywho…on with the fic!

Part 1/3:Remus Lupin

_Take your head around the world _

_See what you get _

_From your mind_

Out.I had to leave.I had to get away from everything.From Gordric's Hollow where I had lived next door to the Potters, from England, from my memories and regrets, from my guilt.I still to this day blame their deaths on myself.If only…. But I digress.Hindsight is always 20-20.After Sirius' trial and imprisonment in the hell the wizarding world calls "Azkaban" I left Great Britain.I didn't really care where I went.

The first ship leaving port that I found was headed for Russia through the North Sea so I took it, stowing away until I was found and kicked off.For a while I lived in Romania, helping the local wizarding folk ward off pests and unwanted magical nuisances.That is until they found out what I was and booted me out.From there I traveled south, to Turkey and Greece, then on to Israel and Egypt.

For a long time I bandied the idea 'round in my head to go farther east, to India and China.I had always heard tales of great wolf packs that had made their way to the Himalayans and were living quite peacefully out of the jurisdiction of human kind.

Human-kind.Haha.I suppose that it's funny after all the time I spent with humans I can't think of myself as one.Even my human name marks me as an outsider.Lupin.Wolf.It's almost as if fate branded me to be sub-human from the beginning.Sometimes I wonder if my parents were strong in divination.

_Write your soul down word for word _

_See who's your friend _

_Who is kind_

I never made it to the orient.I was somewhere living on a street in Iraq when I saw a group of Europian wizards on holiday discussing modern affairs in a café.I eavesdropped a bit, long enough to realize that they were discussing a book that one had read._Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ by an anonymous author.The wizard that had read the book was a critical reviewer for a well-known literary house, Horatius Literary.He "was forced" to do a review of the book, in which he "Labeled it for the foolhearty tripe it was"

"Honestly, who would ever believe that a creature like a werewolf would be capable of human emotions"

I nearly died in that moment.The anonymous author was myself.The book was written over the period of 3 summers during my time at Hogwarts as a type of therapy suggested by Albus Dumbledore.It was my own personal account of living life and growing up as a werewolf, a "sub-human" in hopes that "human-kind" would read it and understand.

Silly me…wanting to change the world in 400 pages.

It probably didn't help that a great deal of the subject matter discussed in the book was my own personal love life…after all, having a girlfriend meant letting her be close enough to know what I am.And what woman could love a monster.

I've resigned my self to the fact I will never find love

_It's almost like a disease _

_ _

I have the worst disease known to man.A disease that physically takes away your humanity.A disease that wont directly kill you ever.One that is nearly impossible to live with.I cant live with.Not anymore.

_ _

_I know soon you will be _

_Over the lies, you'll be strong _

_You'll be rich in love and you will carry on _

_But no – oh no _

_No you won't be mine_

Now I run again.I just want it to end.


	2. Siruis Black

A You Won

Ok part 2....same disclaimers as before.

PART 2/3:Sirius Black

_Take your straight line for a curve _

_Make it stretch, the same old line_

Pain.That's all my world is.Not physical, well not normally, but the kind of pain you invent.The kind of pain where you can feel your mind at its breaking point and there is nothing you can do to bring it back.Well there are things.Doggy things.

I just reread what I wrote and realized I'm not making any sense.Damned Azkaban.Fucking damned Azkaban…I swear if I ever get out of here I'm going to find a way to burn it to the ground.Then I'll find a way to kill the rat.No I think I'll kill the rat first.

It hurts.Every thing hurts.I try to keep my mind focused on one thing and They just come back and take that focus from me.No matter what I do or try, ever thing comes back to pain.

The only thing keeping relatively sane now is the hope that the rat is alive.That I didn't kill him.I know I didn't kill him that day.Damn fucking rat weaseled his way out of it.But the wizarding world has this wonderful double jeopardy law, so when I do get out of this fucking hell hole I can kill him and present his still freshly dead body to the ministry of magic and tell them to go fuck themselves.

Or maybe I did kill him after all.I don't know anymore.

_ _

_Try to find if it was worth what you spent _

_Why you're guilty for the way _

_You're feeling now _

Pain again.They sensed my elation at the thought of killing the rat.Even though he deserves it…for what he did to me…for what he did to the Potters…for what he did to Harry.

God its all my fault.If only I hadn't chose the rat to replace me as the secret keeper…if only I had been there 10 minutes earlier…if only….If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts.

God I am going crazy.

But it is my fault.I killed them.I orphaned Harry.I did but…but I didn't.I don't know if this confusion is caused by me or the demons that are my wardens.

Maybe I was crazy all along.

_ _

_It's almost like being free _

_ _

Someone once said that in a persons mind they an find freedom.That person was a fucking idiot.The worst prison in the world is someone's mind.

Padfoot doesn't have my mind.Maybe that's why They don't bother him as much.Or maybe its because they can sense that I'm no saner than the other wankers.

I cant do this anymore.I'm loosing this battle.The great Sirius Black has given up.

I wont even get a funeral.

Oh well.

_And I know soon you will be _

_Over the lies, you'll be strong _

_You'll be rich in love and you will carry on _

_But no – oh no _

_No you won't be mine _

_ _

Pain.I just want it to end.


	3. Severus Snape

A You Won

Part 3...yadda yadda yadda....

Part 3/3:Severus Snape

_Take yourself out to the curb _

_Sit and wait _

_A fool for life _

_ _

Alone.I have always been alone.From childhood, though my teen years, and now well into adult-hood I have lived alone.Sure there were times when there were other people in the room, but to them it was as if I were invisible.My parents made it quite clear to me that I was not wanted.My elder brother was the only child they ever wanted or needed.Thus it was my job to shut up and stay out of their way.

I thought things would get better once I left home for Hogwarts.Like every child walking into that castle I too had my hopes and ambitions.I knew that I was to be in Slytherin, and perhaps that's what I wanted.Sometimes I wonder idly what my life would have been like if the sorting hat had put me in Gryffindor.It almost did.I never told any one.

However any dream or ambition I had was smashed on the first day, the day I met James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin.

I didn't hate them.I don't think I ever did.I know now that deep down I wanted more than anything in the world to have a friendship like the three of them shared.The closest thing I had to anything that resembled a friend was Lucius Malfoy, who is a bigger prig than I am.

It was Malfoy who took me to my first DeathEater meeting.

Malfoy introduced me to Voldemort.

Some friend he was.

I never really WANTED to be a Deatheater, but the feelings of belonging to something bigger than myself were more temptation than I could resist, so I joined, was initiated and scarred, and to this day I still bear the mark of my greatest mistake.

_ _

_It's almost like a disease _

_ _

For a long time I thought I hated Remus Lupin.For nearly killing me.Part of me knew this wasn't true.After all…he couldn't help it.

I'm a worse monster than he is.I chose my curse.

I've tried to atone for my sins. It was I who had been slowly leaking information on DeathEater movements to the ministry.It was I who informed Dumbledore of Voldemort's plans to eliminate the Potter family.But for all my effort to save the people that for a long time shunned me for some unknown prejudice on both our parts…

I am as responsible for their deaths as Voldemort himself.

So now I am not only a monster, but also a murderer.

I want free of this curse.

According to the latest journal on magical bondage, a magical tattoo forms a bond of flesh and bone to the creator of the tattoo, and the bond can only be broken by death.

I want free of this.

_ _

_I know soon you will be _

_Over the lies, you'll be strong _

_You'll be rich in love and you will carry on _

_But no – oh no _

_No you won't be mine_

All the loneliness and betrayal.I just want it to end.

~OWARI~

Are you thoroughly depressed? Feedback is ALWAYS welcome!


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